Ride

This tiger, can I ride?
For how long?

Blessings

I should count mine.

A loving (and lovely) wife to grow old with.
Good health, tummy included.
A beautiful house to live in.
An interesting job that keeps me on my toes.
A wonderful family to keep my feet firmly on the ground.
Great friends I can be honest with.
Enough in the bank to keep us content.

Why this obsession with the future? Why not the here and the now? Enjoy.

Monday

This has been one of the strangest phases of my life.

I could say that since July (when I incidentally also turned 31), I have not been properly staffed at work. I have been finding random work on the go, which is normal in consulting, but deeply dissatisfying. To be honest, some of the work was pretty interesting, but still... Finally, there was supposed to be light at the end of the tunnel: 3 months in the Middle East.

Well, one month after I formally signed up for it, I am still in my kitchen, waiting for:
1. My visa
2. My project manager to get a new passport after his old one was stolen in Paris (Please also see 4. which might make 2. irrelevant)
3. My teammate to return from his one-week vacation
4. The client to agree that our team's level of experience (especially the project manager's) is sufficient

I have shown just the amount of initiative to alert everybody at work that meanwhile, I am doing nearly nothing. That has yielded something, which has also quickly run out. One of my worries is that at the end of the year, when I raise my hand to ask to become a project manager, they will just point out that I have done nearly nothing for 3 months (slightly exaggerated). However, my real worry is that, when it really matters - when the Middle East project starts, or I decide to do something useful with my life - my heart, brain and soul would have totally atrophied.

I have tried a few things:
1. Be a good house-spouse, and I had practice between February and April this year.
2. Read, and I have been reading a lot actually.
3. Work on my photography, and that yielded pleasant results, but also turned out to be proper hard work.
4. Set up my energy blog, and that has not gone beyond the introductory comments.
5. Sleep, and I have had too much of it.
6. Apply for a Singapore citizenship, and I keep asking myself if that was the right thing to do.

I have also learnt a few things about myself:
1. I am not truly passionate about anything - nothing I would rather be doing.
2. I do not have the courage, to find out or do what I really would rather be doing.
3. My one great fear is being alone. Even if I decide to start something on my own in the future, it better be something on 'our' own.
4. I love my wife so much.

Of course, I could argue that it is not possible to follow what you would rather be doing, with the sword of uncertainty from what you are supposed to be doing hanging over your head. But, that is life - one big sword of uncertainty hanging over your head. I should not be kidding myself otherwise.

It will be six months this week, since I started with McK. I have learnt many things, and I wish to continue to do so. Nobody told me that lessons from introspective solitude were part of the deal. All this, while still being paid much more than what we need.

And, I also found inspiration. From a recent colleague.

A different kind of Monday morning.

Por que

1. To do something that makes me uncomfortable and afraid, not bored
2. To learn how they do it
3. To soak from remarkable people
4. To move to that area of work
5. To find a way to that part of the world
6. To learn about, improve and find the confidence to back myself

It is happening.

It is a roller-coaster - fun as long as I don't fall off.

The standard cliche - what does not kill you, makes you stronger. So true.

Tough

It is so tough to do something you don't know how to do.

Learning is always so difficult. Therefore, also fun. Especially in retrospect.

I hope I learn.

Dizzy

In a call with 2 ex-Shell colleagues, putting together a proposal for another ex-Shell colleague.

Where am I?

Crybaby

Over the weekend, I properly broke down. Out of the blue. Cried wet into her shoulders.

The best part was that I felt so good afterwards. The bester part was having her shoulders to cry on.

Still on track.

Motive

The most enjoyable kind of work is that which you are not asked to do, but do anyway.

See-saw

It is feel-good time again.

Every day that I spend here, I realise how passionate and competent I would have to be to pursue something that I think is my nirvana.

Lesson: I am not passionate enough about anything. And, I am still generally afraid.

But, as I said, feel-good time again. Which means, I am learning.

Stumble

I feel beaten and am overflowing with self-doubt.

Not easy, this.

Sobering

For a change, this week, I am at home working in Singapore, and she is away in KL. We will probably have more of this over the next ten weeks, as she pursues her crossposting assignment in KL.

Two things happened.

For the first time in my life, I could not sleep. Proper insomnia. It had nothing to do with her absence, but the overhang of pending work. I am not good at this. I need to learn my lesson.

And, I woke up to the most depressing gloom of an empty house. I asked myself how she was putting up with that every single morning that I was away. How brave she is, and how fortunate I am.

Which would mean that all this is worthwhile only if it really means something to me, and if I get something out of it.

Sobering. Takes completely away from the email announcing my qualification for Krisflyer Gold. Bah.

And, I am completely in love. I still get a thing or two right.

Improvement

When I feel that I am becoming better, one step at a time. Feels good. No rush.

Detector

I woke up at four this morning to get some work done. Not exactly groundbreaking stuff. Having recently come to terms with the fact that I am a morning person, I was not exactly grumbling as well.

As the day goes on, my mood is only getting better, even if a colleague yelled "That is an ugly page" when confronted with something I had put together.

At lunch, another colleague was completely surprised to find out that I have been with the firm only 4 months. He estimated my tenure as at least 4 years.

Good signs. Feeling good.

Parallax

Every now and then, I run into someone, for whom this has been the ambition of a lifetime. For some, the superior choice. For some, the pinnacle.

For me, an accident. A positive one.

Is that why I sometimes struggle to find my purpose? In a great place. With potential unlimited.

As they say, I need to make My McKinsey. One day at a time.

Alive

Alive in Ideasland.

The surest antidote to stress from work overhang: Work.

Distress

Feeling guilty about being relaxed.

Thirty one

As she says, I now have as many years to my name, as there are days in the longest months.

Our own home, perfectly rendered.
Exciting new work that keeps me on my toes. Great people. I really wonder if I am cut out for good, hard work. I like it.
The oak and the cypress continue to grow, not in each other's shadow.
Three months of blissful solitude.
3.2 million years would have taken us to Lucy. We went to Olduvai instead.
78 million km would have taken us to Mars. We went to Nippon instead.

Another wonderful year. And, as I was thinking the other day, if the stars are kind, a full life it just might be, one year at a time.

First

I don't think I have felt such real fear and stress before.

I can't sleep. And, I almost cried today.

I can't imagine how I would cope if not for her. Silver lining.

Edge

Strangely cramped by inaction and feeling symptoms of withdrawal from intensity, even if this is just a brief interlude.

Feeling tense and on edge, for reasons I can't fathom.

What is happening to me? It is still all good, I suppose. I am anxious. And, happy.

Reminder

to self, that this is just a self-inflicted passing struggle, and the big things in life are still rosy and matter more. That I will look back and smile. For a long time. That I always have a choice.

So, how do I enjoy this and get the best out of it? For it will not last forever.

Baptism

My first week. Everyone in the room is at least as smart as I am. That used to be my edge.

They are all willing and able to work much harder than I am. At least, as of now.

Paralysis Friday.

The work is exciting. The potential impact deeply satisfying. Both to me and the client. Perhaps more to me. That is how I must look at this.

Six months down the road, let us hope I look at this post. And, smile.

Tickets

The travel books show you all the trips you could take. You would only buy the tickets for the one you want to go on.

Blue

Bukit Timah Blue. The beautiful hue of the twilight sky when you pass Sixth Avenue on your bicycle, 640 am or thereabouts.

Diversification

The rice bowl and the rocket?

Stranger

A world in which strangers have become friends and friends have become strangers. On Facebook.

Today, I met a stranger the old-fashioned way. On a train. A quiet, gently confident, tudung-clad Indonesian lady. Fidri was her name, was it?

Her story. A group of six on a 3-day holiday to Singapore. She decides to break away for the Friday night to do some exploring. Her mission: To secure cheap bicycle parts for her MTB, from a shop in Tampines. My role: To explain to her how to get to Tampines by MRT from Dhoby Ghaut. Is Tampines safe? (Yes). When is the last train? (Just after 11). How much would my fare be? ($3 max). How much would a cab ride cost? ($30 max). What time do shops close? (8-10 pm, depends).

What is your name? (Ashwin). My name is Fidri (?) I had to tell her, I have recently started cycling too. In fact, if all goes well, I will cycle 40 km tomorrow morning. Wow! MTB? (No, street bike). We should talk more.

We arrive at Paya Lebar. Time for her to change trains. She steps out. Has an afterthought. Rushes back in, and wrests back her seat next to me. Tell me, is Tampines the best place to find cheap bicycle parts? (I am sorry, I have no idea. All things bicycle that I own, were procured for me by my brother).

Ah ok, Indonesia has many beautiful cycling routes. I recently picked up cycling. I am now hooked. Are you on Facebook?

Next stop. She is off the train.

I quietly resolve to myself. I will fix up the bicycle as soon as I get home, and go for the Saturday morning ride.

Alas, all does not go well. My lights are busted.

I meet a stranger. I am now no stranger to a certain prejudice that I have always carried. It is time to be rid of it.

Destiny

I believe in destiny. Only in retrospect.

This leaves meaning in both the past and the future.

Roof

Did we just get ourselves our own one?