My mind wanders back to high school classes on Further Mathematics and university lectures on Engineering Mathematics. Equations with multiple variables, and how to solve them. How, even the fastest computers struggle with complex differential equations. How, it was all just so fuzzy to me.
I never could figure out how to solve those puzzles. But, I have a sense of how they are so real. Schemes within schemes. Uncertainties within uncertainties. Just when the asphalt dries up, it's time to dig up and lay a new water line.
The whole spectrum. Our lives' mission. Our dreams. Her career. My next job. Work and life. Where to live? Buy or rent? Drive or ride? Spend or save? Cable package. Mobile phone deal. 12.0 or 8.0 Mbps.
Do I love change? Or uncertainty? Do I want things to be the same and safe? Or, do I want them to change a little bit all the time, just to keep it novel? Or, do I want something completely different, as a gust of fresh air? Do I know what I want?
For now, I am just looking forward to being with the only constant in this scheme. I am excited. Forward ho! Married life.
A grand package of complex differential equations, waiting to be solved, one variable at a time.
Wednesday 31 March 2010
Thursday 25 March 2010
Tuesday 23 March 2010
Tuesday 16 March 2010
Contradiction
This is strange.
I have a lot of work to do. I might be working harder than I ever have. This is some of the most meaningful work that I have ever done. I work longer hours than usual. I am routinely exhausted. I am having to fight ever harder to get out of bed in the mornings.
Is it just exhaustion? Or indifference?
More and more often, I catch myself wondering if this is what I want to do with my life? Sitting in front of a computer screen, 10 hours a day, with corporate-pretend painted across my face (and mind you, I am getting pretty good at that, ask my colleagues), constantly reminding myself that I am not brilliant, while I long for those moments of brilliance which are now fewer and farther between...
So, then, I have these ideas of what I think I would love to do with my life. Then I see the yawning Plan Do gap. Then I return to the computer screen. It offers me the sanctuary of a Plan Do gap that takes just a little hop. A little hop every day. That takes me nowhere. But, it is just so easy.
May be I really do not love those things. Whoever said love was not hard work. Or, that I was not lazy.
I have a lot of work to do. I might be working harder than I ever have. This is some of the most meaningful work that I have ever done. I work longer hours than usual. I am routinely exhausted. I am having to fight ever harder to get out of bed in the mornings.
Is it just exhaustion? Or indifference?
More and more often, I catch myself wondering if this is what I want to do with my life? Sitting in front of a computer screen, 10 hours a day, with corporate-pretend painted across my face (and mind you, I am getting pretty good at that, ask my colleagues), constantly reminding myself that I am not brilliant, while I long for those moments of brilliance which are now fewer and farther between...
So, then, I have these ideas of what I think I would love to do with my life. Then I see the yawning Plan Do gap. Then I return to the computer screen. It offers me the sanctuary of a Plan Do gap that takes just a little hop. A little hop every day. That takes me nowhere. But, it is just so easy.
May be I really do not love those things. Whoever said love was not hard work. Or, that I was not lazy.
Connect
I am so tempted to get an iPhone.
People who I would place last on a list of likely iPhone owners have already bought theirs. It's a treat, they all say.
Even the boss thinks it's time I get a personal line (with an iPhone), so I can save myself the gruntwork of splitting the personal and work calls when the bill arrives. I suppose she thinks the work portion somehow seems to be getting bigger. (Hint, hint: Our team's headcount has gone down from 4.5 to 2). I also suspect she just wants to try mine out before she gets herself one (as happened with the MacBook).
As always, the more tempted I am to get something, the longer I resist before I finally succumb. Perhaps, sometime in May with the new cable, internet et al. I wish.
People who I would place last on a list of likely iPhone owners have already bought theirs. It's a treat, they all say.
Even the boss thinks it's time I get a personal line (with an iPhone), so I can save myself the gruntwork of splitting the personal and work calls when the bill arrives. I suppose she thinks the work portion somehow seems to be getting bigger. (Hint, hint: Our team's headcount has gone down from 4.5 to 2). I also suspect she just wants to try mine out before she gets herself one (as happened with the MacBook).
As always, the more tempted I am to get something, the longer I resist before I finally succumb. Perhaps, sometime in May with the new cable, internet et al. I wish.
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