Contradiction

This is strange.

I have a lot of work to do. I might be working harder than I ever have. This is some of the most meaningful work that I have ever done. I work longer hours than usual. I am routinely exhausted. I am having to fight ever harder to get out of bed in the mornings.

Is it just exhaustion? Or indifference?

More and more often, I catch myself wondering if this is what I want to do with my life? Sitting in front of a computer screen, 10 hours a day, with corporate-pretend painted across my face (and mind you, I am getting pretty good at that, ask my colleagues), constantly reminding myself that I am not brilliant, while I long for those moments of brilliance which are now fewer and farther between...

So, then, I have these ideas of what I think I would love to do with my life. Then I see the yawning Plan Do gap. Then I return to the computer screen. It offers me the sanctuary of a Plan Do gap that takes just a little hop. A little hop every day. That takes me nowhere. But, it is just so easy.

May be I really do not love those things. Whoever said love was not hard work. Or, that I was not lazy.