This has been one of the strangest phases of my life.
I could say that since July (when I incidentally also turned 31), I have not been properly staffed at work. I have been finding random work on the go, which is normal in consulting, but deeply dissatisfying. To be honest, some of the work was pretty interesting, but still... Finally, there was supposed to be light at the end of the tunnel: 3 months in the Middle East.
Well, one month after I formally signed up for it, I am still in my kitchen, waiting for:
1. My visa
2. My project manager to get a new passport after his old one was stolen in Paris (Please also see 4. which might make 2. irrelevant)
3. My teammate to return from his one-week vacation
4. The client to agree that our team's level of experience (especially the project manager's) is sufficient
I have shown just the amount of initiative to alert everybody at work that meanwhile, I am doing nearly nothing. That has yielded something, which has also quickly run out. One of my worries is that at the end of the year, when I raise my hand to ask to become a project manager, they will just point out that I have done nearly nothing for 3 months (slightly exaggerated). However, my real worry is that, when it really matters - when the Middle East project starts, or I decide to do something useful with my life - my heart, brain and soul would have totally atrophied.
I have tried a few things:
1. Be a good house-spouse, and I had practice between February and April this year.
2. Read, and I have been reading a lot actually.
3. Work on my photography, and that yielded pleasant results, but also turned out to be proper hard work.
4. Set up my energy blog, and that has not gone beyond the introductory comments.
5. Sleep, and I have had too much of it.
6. Apply for a Singapore citizenship, and I keep asking myself if that was the right thing to do.
I have also learnt a few things about myself:
1. I am not truly passionate about anything - nothing I would rather be doing.
2. I do not have the courage, to find out or do what I really would rather be doing.
3. My one great fear is being alone. Even if I decide to start something on my own in the future, it better be something on 'our' own.
4. I love my wife so much.
Of course, I could argue that it is not possible to follow what you would rather be doing, with the sword of uncertainty from what you are supposed to be doing hanging over your head. But, that is life - one big sword of uncertainty hanging over your head. I should not be kidding myself otherwise.
It will be six months this week, since I started with McK. I have learnt many things, and I wish to continue to do so. Nobody told me that lessons from introspective solitude were part of the deal. All this, while still being paid much more than what we need.
And, I also found inspiration.
From a recent colleague.
A different kind of Monday morning.
