I was amazed when I read in The Economist that silent reading (of manuscripts) was discovered as a possibility, (only) a little before 400 A.D.
"Ambrose of Milan, a Latin writer who was well known in Ireland, impressed Augustine of Hippo with his quiet perusal of a text."
How we take the written word for granted! More so, its quietly read cousin.
Wednesday 22 December 2010
Affluence
Somewhere in between two dreams during a comfortable afternoon nap, an interesting thought occurred to me. How do the truly needy cope with the torture that must be, walking through Christmas malls of commerce's latest unaffordable trinkets?
Then, I thought about how I deal with the idea that I will possibly never be able to afford a Ferrari (to pick a symbolic modern trinket). That is when I realised that I already have, or can continue to hope to have, all that I truly need. The wants are not capable of torture.
Why is the climb up Mt. Maslow increasingly onerous as we gain altitude? Do we struggle to breathe comfortably in the rarified haze where needs meld with wants? Or, is it because those needs won't be met by accumulating more of the same?
As a side, I would never want to be "able" to afford the $200,000 wall-clock peddled in a corner store on the top floor of ION Orchard, as that might just tip me over a kind of moral precipice.
Then, I thought about how I deal with the idea that I will possibly never be able to afford a Ferrari (to pick a symbolic modern trinket). That is when I realised that I already have, or can continue to hope to have, all that I truly need. The wants are not capable of torture.
Why is the climb up Mt. Maslow increasingly onerous as we gain altitude? Do we struggle to breathe comfortably in the rarified haze where needs meld with wants? Or, is it because those needs won't be met by accumulating more of the same?
As a side, I would never want to be "able" to afford the $200,000 wall-clock peddled in a corner store on the top floor of ION Orchard, as that might just tip me over a kind of moral precipice.
Fame
What kind of fame would work for me?
No Time Person of the Year.
Not a profile in Bloomberg BusinessWeek about how I run 4 miles every morning on the way to running my corporation.
A simple obituary in the back of the Economist would do just fine - about how I pottered about in my little corner of the world, until kingdom come.
No Time Person of the Year.
Not a profile in Bloomberg BusinessWeek about how I run 4 miles every morning on the way to running my corporation.
A simple obituary in the back of the Economist would do just fine - about how I pottered about in my little corner of the world, until kingdom come.
Tuesday 21 December 2010
Poison
I am at a First Aid training workshop. We just watched a heart attack video. Scary. Especially in the context of my latest cholesterol results.
The plumbing needs some cleanup. And, it can't afford any more trash. It is a good thing we have started on a plan of diet and exercise. It's a blessing that I don't eat meat, don't smoke and rarely drink.
It's time to wean myself off the poison that is fatty food.
The plumbing needs some cleanup. And, it can't afford any more trash. It is a good thing we have started on a plan of diet and exercise. It's a blessing that I don't eat meat, don't smoke and rarely drink.
It's time to wean myself off the poison that is fatty food.
Monday 20 December 2010
Suspension
I had this really amazing experience yesterday afternoon. After a cup of tea, I was stretched half asleep on the couch, with the fan doing its bit. And, she played the piano. Her finger-magic had me hanging in mid-space, lifted by elation and weighed down by contentment. Eyes closed, senses wide open.
Bliss
Sipping a tea, waiting for the wife to finish work, right in the centre of this part of the known universe - Starbucks outside City Hall MRT station. Reading an article in the Economist on happiness and the human life. Contemplating own satisfactory level of happiness (touchwood) while sniffing for the unmistakable scent of change. Sending wisecrack SMSes to distant close friend. Taking in the world as it passes by. In a Christmas hurry.
Thursday 9 December 2010
Angst
I was looking up Angst in the dictionary.
n 2. (Philosophy) (in Existentialist philosophy) the dread caused by man's awareness that his future is not determined but must be freely chosen.
Sure thing.
n 2. (Philosophy) (in Existentialist philosophy) the dread caused by man's awareness that his future is not determined but must be freely chosen.
Sure thing.
Journey
Suddenly, I am excited about this trip. I think I should keep writing about progress, so I can retrace my steps with the same excitement. And, I love to write.
What does the destination look like?
- I love my work and am proud of it, and it makes me happy.
- I believe in myself and my ability to be all that I want to be.
- My prospects look bright.
- I am making a contribution to the business of sustainable energy.
I have taken some baby steps:
- I have completed the Flower Exercise and am writing down my story.
- I have updated my resume and put it out there. The calls are coming in, almost one every week, which is welcome encouragement. Yet, they have all been in areas close to my current work – business development roles in industrial gases and oil & gas logistics. I have attended two interviews. One went promisingly well, and bolstered my self-confidence no end. I loved what I sounded like and what I heard. Like the sound of a racecar engine warming up for the track. The other one has shut me out for all practical purposes. A couple of others have shown interest, only to step back. Practice laps always help.
- I am looking at some roles in the energy finance space. I will submit some honest applications, and keep looking for more such roles.
- I am revving up the network machine. I am reconnecting with some of my peers, and listing out the senior others who can possibly link me up to more others.
- I have set myself two simple goals, so as not to lose momentum – 1. At least one pan warm on the stove at all times 2. Out of here by June 2011.
- I feel good and am determined to relentlessly take this all the way.
- I am constantly speaking to others who feel passionate about similar change. I wish to remain infected.
Little by little, we will get there.
This one is for reading on the day the sun refuses to shine.
What does the destination look like?
- I love my work and am proud of it, and it makes me happy.
- I believe in myself and my ability to be all that I want to be.
- My prospects look bright.
- I am making a contribution to the business of sustainable energy.
I have taken some baby steps:
- I have completed the Flower Exercise and am writing down my story.
- I have updated my resume and put it out there. The calls are coming in, almost one every week, which is welcome encouragement. Yet, they have all been in areas close to my current work – business development roles in industrial gases and oil & gas logistics. I have attended two interviews. One went promisingly well, and bolstered my self-confidence no end. I loved what I sounded like and what I heard. Like the sound of a racecar engine warming up for the track. The other one has shut me out for all practical purposes. A couple of others have shown interest, only to step back. Practice laps always help.
- I am looking at some roles in the energy finance space. I will submit some honest applications, and keep looking for more such roles.
- I am revving up the network machine. I am reconnecting with some of my peers, and listing out the senior others who can possibly link me up to more others.
- I have set myself two simple goals, so as not to lose momentum – 1. At least one pan warm on the stove at all times 2. Out of here by June 2011.
- I feel good and am determined to relentlessly take this all the way.
- I am constantly speaking to others who feel passionate about similar change. I wish to remain infected.
Little by little, we will get there.
This one is for reading on the day the sun refuses to shine.
Reality
Two birds in the bush are just that – two birds in the bush.
Let me not count them.
Needed – more birds and more bush.
Let me not count them.
Needed – more birds and more bush.
Thursday 2 December 2010
Mistakes
Last monthly thought for the year, from my humble desk calendar:
"The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything." - Edward Phelps.
Good-bye little fountain of thoughts.
"The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything." - Edward Phelps.
Good-bye little fountain of thoughts.
Wednesday 1 December 2010
Motion
That familiar feeling is back again, of being on the move. That, I will take for progress. Anyway, recap.
New Zealand was awesome. A perfect trip. Bungee. Diwali fireworks on a Queenstown paddock. And, much more.
Four more days, and we will be married a year. It has been nothing short of absolutely special. Yet, I will be spending the day alone.
Christmas is here. So is our nicely decorated Christmas tree. We are looking forward to our first Christmas party.
Work meanders along. I am quietly resigned to a job that is without prospects and without challenge. To be honest, it is interesting work. Yet, pointless. At least, I am convinced it will be nothing beyond the short term. You cannot be frustrated about not getting what you do not want.
The struggle of August 4 seems to be alive and well. Much to my pleasant surprise. Let us try to keep that fire burning.
I now have a list of companies. It has taken me 4 months and a career coach to get to this point. I completed the Flower exercise. I found out so much more about myself.
The MBA applications have received a full stop. Two years too precious. I hope I do not regret it. In fact, I don't feel the painful pangs of disinterest anymore. She is applying, by the way. I pray that she succeeds.
My resume has found its way into the hands of headhunters. 1. The economy is back, and so are the calls. 2. The Shell logo is good for a few interviews. 3. Do I really want Business Development roles in Soxal or Vopak? Let us see how they'll pay and how badly they need me.
For a brief afternoon, we considered buying our own place. We still might.
The marathon is not going to happen.
2010 is drawing to a close. A different kind of year, I would say.
2011 is full of exciting promise. The promise of change. Of motion.
New Zealand was awesome. A perfect trip. Bungee. Diwali fireworks on a Queenstown paddock. And, much more.
Four more days, and we will be married a year. It has been nothing short of absolutely special. Yet, I will be spending the day alone.
Christmas is here. So is our nicely decorated Christmas tree. We are looking forward to our first Christmas party.
Work meanders along. I am quietly resigned to a job that is without prospects and without challenge. To be honest, it is interesting work. Yet, pointless. At least, I am convinced it will be nothing beyond the short term. You cannot be frustrated about not getting what you do not want.
The struggle of August 4 seems to be alive and well. Much to my pleasant surprise. Let us try to keep that fire burning.
I now have a list of companies. It has taken me 4 months and a career coach to get to this point. I completed the Flower exercise. I found out so much more about myself.
The MBA applications have received a full stop. Two years too precious. I hope I do not regret it. In fact, I don't feel the painful pangs of disinterest anymore. She is applying, by the way. I pray that she succeeds.
My resume has found its way into the hands of headhunters. 1. The economy is back, and so are the calls. 2. The Shell logo is good for a few interviews. 3. Do I really want Business Development roles in Soxal or Vopak? Let us see how they'll pay and how badly they need me.
For a brief afternoon, we considered buying our own place. We still might.
The marathon is not going to happen.
2010 is drawing to a close. A different kind of year, I would say.
2011 is full of exciting promise. The promise of change. Of motion.
Sunday 14 November 2010
Lull
It has been a bit quiet here for a while.
A wave to ride at work. An amazing trip to Middle Earth.
A wave to ride at work. An amazing trip to Middle Earth.
Wednesday 20 October 2010
Thursday 14 October 2010
Rings
Oil and gas in a period of climate change.
An international oil company in an age of resource nationalism and diminishing advantage.
The laggard in the pack.
How?
An international oil company in an age of resource nationalism and diminishing advantage.
The laggard in the pack.
How?
Tuesday 5 October 2010
Breakup
A breakup can be very refreshing, especially at the receiving end. You don't have to work so hard anymore, to keep it afloat.
This engineer is done.
This engineer is done.
Thursday 30 September 2010
Xinjiang
I had a great time. Almost perfect (but for the wife’s absence).
Ten days of pure photography. Click, click, click, and, hide behind those clicks. I could get used to a lifetime of seeing the world through a very expensive row of glass pieces (including my ultra-light corrective spectacle lenses).
I love reading. I am beginning to love photography. Work for the eyes.
I love diving. If the experts are to be trusted, that is no good for the eyes. Ah.
Great landscapes. Colourful fellow travellers. Sufficient food, surprisingly, including various versions of the humble Naan. Bucketsful of grapes, my favorite fruit. Cold weather. Unforgiving facilities, at times. Forgiving teachers. And, the right dose of encouragement.
I am back. A bit more at ease with myself.
I still have a job. And, in some ways, I don’t.
Yet, New Zealand, here we come.
Ten days of pure photography. Click, click, click, and, hide behind those clicks. I could get used to a lifetime of seeing the world through a very expensive row of glass pieces (including my ultra-light corrective spectacle lenses).
I love reading. I am beginning to love photography. Work for the eyes.
I love diving. If the experts are to be trusted, that is no good for the eyes. Ah.
Great landscapes. Colourful fellow travellers. Sufficient food, surprisingly, including various versions of the humble Naan. Bucketsful of grapes, my favorite fruit. Cold weather. Unforgiving facilities, at times. Forgiving teachers. And, the right dose of encouragement.
I am back. A bit more at ease with myself.
I still have a job. And, in some ways, I don’t.
Yet, New Zealand, here we come.
Wednesday 8 September 2010
Approach
This is what two dear others have concluded about me, as they pondered my internal strife:
“He does not know how to leap. But, he will build a bridge.”
I wonder.
“He does not know how to leap. But, he will build a bridge.”
I wonder.
Friday 3 September 2010
Orientation
I am beginning to speculate that I am an east-of-the-Prime-Meridian kind of person. Perhaps even an east-of-Istanbul kind of person. In the larger scheme of things, I mean.
Why so?
Why so?
Wednesday 1 September 2010
Friday 27 August 2010
Nontest
The Economist recently ran a series of articles with the theme “Contest of the Century”. The cover page depicts two arm-wrestlers, a dragon and a tiger prominently tattooed on their biceps.
A billion each. In a couple of years, Economies #1 and #2, when measured in a certain way. Nervous neighbours, with only the mighty Himalayas in the way.
I’ll admit though, that I am clearly pessimistic. About India’s chances. My latest trip to Delhi left me feeling no better. As our bullocks steadily amble on the road to progress, they have switched to high-speed rail. Every time we bring a spoon to a pot, they bring ladles. And, so on…
Yet, the optimists have a few points. The younger billion. English. A mean entrepreneurial spirit (vocalised by the troupe of hooligans who picked up our bags at Delhi airport, uninvited, and charged us a handy sum after having largely loitered about in the carpark). Being on the right-ish side of the line with the incumbent superpowers.
As always, I sense we are leaving it to the last day on a crumbling pitch. For hope, we have a messy democracy as our Tendulkar.
A billion each. In a couple of years, Economies #1 and #2, when measured in a certain way. Nervous neighbours, with only the mighty Himalayas in the way.
I’ll admit though, that I am clearly pessimistic. About India’s chances. My latest trip to Delhi left me feeling no better. As our bullocks steadily amble on the road to progress, they have switched to high-speed rail. Every time we bring a spoon to a pot, they bring ladles. And, so on…
Yet, the optimists have a few points. The younger billion. English. A mean entrepreneurial spirit (vocalised by the troupe of hooligans who picked up our bags at Delhi airport, uninvited, and charged us a handy sum after having largely loitered about in the carpark). Being on the right-ish side of the line with the incumbent superpowers.
As always, I sense we are leaving it to the last day on a crumbling pitch. For hope, we have a messy democracy as our Tendulkar.
Communication
To be taught in communication classes worldwide:
How to sanely string together the words: “Estamos bien en el refugio los 33”, when trapped 2300 ft underground.
Are
Good
In the refuge
The 33
How to sanely string together the words: “Estamos bien en el refugio los 33”, when trapped 2300 ft underground.
Are
Good
In the refuge
The 33
Remote
China is a big country. The world’s biggest, in some ways.
Me: Going to Urumqi. Need Chinese visa.
China Visa Officer: There is no such place in China.
Me: !@#$%^&
Ok, ok… I should have said Wu Lu Mu Qi. Or, Di Hua.
But, a city of 2.5 million people?
Well, at least, they have taken my passport.
Me: Going to Urumqi. Need Chinese visa.
China Visa Officer: There is no such place in China.
Me: !@#$%^&
Ok, ok… I should have said Wu Lu Mu Qi. Or, Di Hua.
But, a city of 2.5 million people?
Well, at least, they have taken my passport.
Monday 16 August 2010
Medicine
It has been four months since I stepped out of the island. Six months since I had a proper holiday – our honeymoon. After an unusually long pause, travel season starts again this weekend – fittingly, with my best friend’s wedding. Then, a short weekend trip for her birthday, my photography trip to the middle of nowhere in Xinjiang, and a weeklong adventure with her in New Zealand that I have spent all weekend planning.
Fingers crossed. Welcome medicine.
Fingers crossed. Welcome medicine.
Overwhelmed
…by having set out to do too many things at once. Evidenced by an inability to get moving on any of those things. And, a sense of restlessness and desperation.
A full plate in the office does not help.
A full plate in the office does not help.
Sunday 15 August 2010
Quien paga?
Desde la revolucion industrial, nosotros usamos mucha energia en nuestras vidas, para las fabricas, los coches, y los electrodomesticos. Nosotros gastamos mucho, carbon y petroleo. Poreso, dioxido de carbono esta en aumento en la atmosfera. Hay calentamiento del mundo. El nivel del mar esta en aumento y el tiempo esta muy furioso.
Hay muchas soluciones por el problema de calentamiento del mundo, pero la pregunta mas importante es, "Quien paga?". Es posible que nosotros cambiamos a energia del sol, del viento o de la marea. Pero, estas tecnologias cuestan mas que carbon y petroleo.
Los paises ricos del mundo - El Occidente - Los Estados Unidos, Europa y Japon usan mucha energia en los doscientos anyos previosos. Ellos gastan mucho, carbon y petroleo. La gente en estes paises tienen una calidad de vida mejor.
Pero, los paises grandes del mundo ahora - China, India, Brasil y Indonesia - tienen los populaciones muy grandes y mas pobres que en los paises ricos. La gente en estes paises necesitan usar mucha energia para cambiar la calidad de vida, por que la energia es el base de la economia.
Este es el problema: Los paises ricos no desean pagar, y los paises grandes no pueden pagar. Pero, es importante que los paises grandes del futuro aceptan que ellos no pueden repetir los errores de los ricos. El mundo no puede permitirse los errores.
Hay muchas soluciones por el problema de calentamiento del mundo, pero la pregunta mas importante es, "Quien paga?". Es posible que nosotros cambiamos a energia del sol, del viento o de la marea. Pero, estas tecnologias cuestan mas que carbon y petroleo.
Los paises ricos del mundo - El Occidente - Los Estados Unidos, Europa y Japon usan mucha energia en los doscientos anyos previosos. Ellos gastan mucho, carbon y petroleo. La gente en estes paises tienen una calidad de vida mejor.
Pero, los paises grandes del mundo ahora - China, India, Brasil y Indonesia - tienen los populaciones muy grandes y mas pobres que en los paises ricos. La gente en estes paises necesitan usar mucha energia para cambiar la calidad de vida, por que la energia es el base de la economia.
Este es el problema: Los paises ricos no desean pagar, y los paises grandes no pueden pagar. Pero, es importante que los paises grandes del futuro aceptan que ellos no pueden repetir los errores de los ricos. El mundo no puede permitirse los errores.
Friday 13 August 2010
Binary
A curse on the human mind. An obsession with resolving ambiguity.
Good or bad. Better or worse. Success or failure. Now or later.
Powerpoint charts that force me to look left or right.
Choice is binary. I choose or I don’t.
Action is binary too. I act or I don’t.
The space in between makes me crazy.
Good or bad. Better or worse. Success or failure. Now or later.
Powerpoint charts that force me to look left or right.
Choice is binary. I choose or I don’t.
Action is binary too. I act or I don’t.
The space in between makes me crazy.
Saturday 7 August 2010
Crime
My little crime over the last few years has been to ignore the power of music.
For example, I struggle to describe the effect of having the words "All I Want is Everything" pounded into my brains, even if only for a few minutes.
It does not matter that the song is largely irrelevant.
For example, I struggle to describe the effect of having the words "All I Want is Everything" pounded into my brains, even if only for a few minutes.
It does not matter that the song is largely irrelevant.
Emptiness
I have read somewhere, "The blank page: The most challenging environment there is."
How true... it is time to run riot.
How true... it is time to run riot.
Hard work
...is what will make the difference, it seems.
My harshest critic reminds me that I have been more than guilty from time to time, of ignoring the simple merits of the hard slog.
It is time to sign up to that ethic to make sure I do not disappoint myself, or us.
My harshest critic reminds me that I have been more than guilty from time to time, of ignoring the simple merits of the hard slog.
It is time to sign up to that ethic to make sure I do not disappoint myself, or us.
Wednesday 4 August 2010
Sunday 1 August 2010
Compass
I have an old envelope with all my undergraduate admissions essays. I found it and opened it today. I reread what a naive 17-year-old had written. Some of them made me wince. Yet, some of them made me proud. I had dared to dream. All I had going then was an inexplicable belief in my ability. Nothing else.
And, in some of them, I found very simple, straightforward answers to some of the questions that I ask myself today.
When in doubt, ask yourself - preferably, a version from a dozen years past.
And, in some of them, I found very simple, straightforward answers to some of the questions that I ask myself today.
When in doubt, ask yourself - preferably, a version from a dozen years past.
Saturday 31 July 2010
Frustration
My Macbook Pro has only two USB ports. And, I've only realised that after close to 4 years of being its proud owner.
Anonymity
Here I am, sharing a table in an underground void deck with three twenty-somethings pretending to pore over their notes, my Macbook plugged into a pillar (and to the ether, of course), as exam season possibly descends upon my alma mater - the subterranean maze that is SMU. (My wife will spend the next few hours with her friends in a shopping mall/cineplex at ground level).
Nobody here knows who I am, or why I now feel entitled to steal access to a bit of real estate (and electricity). I try to move the bench closer to the table, before realizing it is firmly cemented in place. The twenty-somethings have no idea who they are giggling at.
In a time of (overdramatised) internal strife, this anonymity is priceless. The greatest dividend that I get from my association with this institution might yet be taking shape.
Nobody here knows who I am, or why I now feel entitled to steal access to a bit of real estate (and electricity). I try to move the bench closer to the table, before realizing it is firmly cemented in place. The twenty-somethings have no idea who they are giggling at.
In a time of (overdramatised) internal strife, this anonymity is priceless. The greatest dividend that I get from my association with this institution might yet be taking shape.
Tuesday 27 July 2010
Ideas
I want to make a positive contribution to society, specifically in the area of human needs. Sustainable access to energy is a most basic human need and an unsolved problem, that is only likely to become greater and more urgent. My work in the energy industry over the last seven years has made me aware of the magnitude and complexity of the energy challenge, and it is breathtaking.
"A company can make a social contribution only if it is highly profitable. Managers must convert society's needs into opportunities for profitable business." - Peter Drucker. Hence, presumably, a business is a viable way of making a social contribution. I am capitalist and believe in the potential of free enterprise.
The idea of realising a vision excites me. A to B. With limited resources and conflicting priorities. With a human element.
I want my contribution to be material and significant.
I want it to happen in my lifetime.
"A company can make a social contribution only if it is highly profitable. Managers must convert society's needs into opportunities for profitable business." - Peter Drucker. Hence, presumably, a business is a viable way of making a social contribution. I am capitalist and believe in the potential of free enterprise.
The idea of realising a vision excites me. A to B. With limited resources and conflicting priorities. With a human element.
I want my contribution to be material and significant.
I want it to happen in my lifetime.
Statement
of desire, of intent...
'I want to run a medium to large sustainable energy business within the next 15 years.'
There. I have said it. I have said some thing. It is a liberating feeling.
Welcome to the difficult part.
'I want to run a medium to large sustainable energy business within the next 15 years.'
There. I have said it. I have said some thing. It is a liberating feeling.
Welcome to the difficult part.
Monday 26 July 2010
Sunday 25 July 2010
Unhappiness
'The sole cause of man's unhappiness is that he does not know how to stay quietly in his room.' - Pascal.
Thanks, de Botton, for pointing that out!
Thanks, de Botton, for pointing that out!
Perfection
Friday evening - a dozen roses for the wife, shopping to her heart's content at the Pinoy store, soup for dinner with wife and a friend we unexpectedly ran into, groceries, a late night jog...
Saturday - Pancakes for breakfast, finishing up the Economist, De Botton #1, afternoon swim, siesta #1, home-cooked pasta for dinner...
Sunday - Morning jog-walk, friends over for brunch, gossip, photography and travel plans, siesta #2, De Botton #2, bhel puri, pani puri, papri chaat takeout,...
...and some time here.
Saturday - Pancakes for breakfast, finishing up the Economist, De Botton #1, afternoon swim, siesta #1, home-cooked pasta for dinner...
Sunday - Morning jog-walk, friends over for brunch, gossip, photography and travel plans, siesta #2, De Botton #2, bhel puri, pani puri, papri chaat takeout,...
...and some time here.
Thursday 22 July 2010
Se7en
...years today, working for Royal Dutch Shell. Well, we were not even called that, when I started. How many more, one wonders?
Tuesday 13 July 2010
Watershed
I turned twenty-nine this weekend (kicking and screaming, and really sick). In some ways, this could well turn out to be a watershed year - first year as man and wife, career headwinds, the last stretch before the dreaded thirties, and the last chance to do some things, before I give them up forever. I guess I have made a habit of listing down New Year and birthday resolutions for some time now. Really, the disappointment has been that some, maybe even many, of them never made the leap from plan to action.
Well, we will still go ahead and write those things down. Perhaps, this time will be different. Here goes, anyway:
1. Be a better husband. Perhaps even a better son, brother, friend, etc.
2. Run that marathon in December.
3. Improve my work ethic. Be productive.
4. Make sure there is a Plan by December.
5. Don’t let the kitty run out.
6. Complete the Spanish language diploma.
7. Shoot, write and go under.
8. Climb Mount Kinabalu.
9. See the world.
10. Learn to rest more in the present, and run less into the future (Ahem, contrary to this whole exercise, no?).
We will also continue to look for the elusive answer to that question – what do I really want with life? Recent events and conversations have persuaded me that I desperately and urgently need to look within, and, dare to want, to dream. Twice in three years, at job interviews, it has been pointed out to me that I sat there in front of them, utterly unconvinced that I wanted the job. Unconvinced - not just unconvincing. Is that not truly dangerous?
Exciting times ahead - I have asked a friend to perform an experiment with me. I have asked him to write down on a piece of paper where he thinks I will be in a year’s time, and tell me when that bell tolls.
Then, we will know.
Meanwhile, another sobering moment. The stubble is graying. I hope that comes with some wisdom. And, grace.
Well, we will still go ahead and write those things down. Perhaps, this time will be different. Here goes, anyway:
1. Be a better husband. Perhaps even a better son, brother, friend, etc.
2. Run that marathon in December.
3. Improve my work ethic. Be productive.
4. Make sure there is a Plan by December.
5. Don’t let the kitty run out.
6. Complete the Spanish language diploma.
7. Shoot, write and go under.
8. Climb Mount Kinabalu.
9. See the world.
10. Learn to rest more in the present, and run less into the future (Ahem, contrary to this whole exercise, no?).
We will also continue to look for the elusive answer to that question – what do I really want with life? Recent events and conversations have persuaded me that I desperately and urgently need to look within, and, dare to want, to dream. Twice in three years, at job interviews, it has been pointed out to me that I sat there in front of them, utterly unconvinced that I wanted the job. Unconvinced - not just unconvincing. Is that not truly dangerous?
Exciting times ahead - I have asked a friend to perform an experiment with me. I have asked him to write down on a piece of paper where he thinks I will be in a year’s time, and tell me when that bell tolls.
Then, we will know.
Meanwhile, another sobering moment. The stubble is graying. I hope that comes with some wisdom. And, grace.
Belief
I need to back myself to the hilt. Now, more than ever. And, I must dare to dream, and to want.
Tuesday 6 July 2010
Curves
Immensely relieved that Tokyo Bust Express has finally gone for a new pair of boobs for their newspaper ads. Am not saying that I don't find those ads creepy anymore.
The sixth C eh, after cash, credit card, condo, car and country club, for the fairer sex.
The sixth C eh, after cash, credit card, condo, car and country club, for the fairer sex.
Friday 2 July 2010
Crisis
It is astonishing how quickly milk can sour. All good things come to an end. Great things, too. This love story has gone on for seven years. One coin-toss that lands on the wrong end and I find myself outside the fence. I suppose the best thing about landing outside the fence is that, it is all out there. The rest of it, I mean.
I have counted my blessings, thanked my lucky stars and picked up the pieces. There are real blessings to count. One, more so than most. I have decided to trundle on.
The end draws nigh, as yet, unknown. I am aware now, a bit too late, of the absence of a Plan B. I hope I see one already taking shape. Interesting times ahead. Six months. Perhaps, a year. I will be 30.
Then, I wonder, what is it that I feel? Fear about uncertainty? Or, excitement about possibility? It feels good to be asking of myself, questions that were taboo until that coin was leaving the hand.
This might consume every bit of me. Will I arrive? It is time to charge the batteries.
I have counted my blessings, thanked my lucky stars and picked up the pieces. There are real blessings to count. One, more so than most. I have decided to trundle on.
The end draws nigh, as yet, unknown. I am aware now, a bit too late, of the absence of a Plan B. I hope I see one already taking shape. Interesting times ahead. Six months. Perhaps, a year. I will be 30.
Then, I wonder, what is it that I feel? Fear about uncertainty? Or, excitement about possibility? It feels good to be asking of myself, questions that were taboo until that coin was leaving the hand.
This might consume every bit of me. Will I arrive? It is time to charge the batteries.
Monday 21 June 2010
Hiccups
I'll remember today for the three long bouts of hiccups, one lasting almost an hour. And, her magical healing method.
Friday 18 June 2010
Tuesday 15 June 2010
Monday 14 June 2010
Tuesday 8 June 2010
Azzurri
It feels good going into the World Cup as Champions, for once. That's probably as good as it is going to get, though.
Monday 31 May 2010
Wednesday 19 May 2010
Leadership
I sent out a survey to colleagues today, asking them for open and honest feedback on how bad a frontline leader I would make. And then, I took the survey myself.
Pretty bad, is my own assessment.
I sometimes wonder why I do not complain about the way my employer has treated me so far, in terms of development opportunities, performance rewards and capability assessment. At times, I would say it is because I have had it pretty good so far. However, most of the time, I just acknowledge that I have been treated rather fairly: I would consider myself wanting where they have found me wanting, and I would consider myself hopeless where they have found me hopeless.
When they look at me through a magnifying glass, I get to look at myself in a mirror.
And, the real sad bit is that I have done nothing to make amends.
Pretty bad, is my own assessment.
I sometimes wonder why I do not complain about the way my employer has treated me so far, in terms of development opportunities, performance rewards and capability assessment. At times, I would say it is because I have had it pretty good so far. However, most of the time, I just acknowledge that I have been treated rather fairly: I would consider myself wanting where they have found me wanting, and I would consider myself hopeless where they have found me hopeless.
When they look at me through a magnifying glass, I get to look at myself in a mirror.
And, the real sad bit is that I have done nothing to make amends.
Tuesday 11 May 2010
Domestication
I watched Shutter Island on the plane today. Very good movie, I thought. And, very thought-provoking too. Di Caprio's final tussle between living as a monster and dying a good man, is a lot more than just that. For me, one of the best last lines in any script.
Well, some thoughts were provoked. What drives men to do the real gory stuff? Like the Dachaus and the serial killings and the mass murders of real life. Is it failure of the in-built moral compass, unique to man? Is it conscious choice to override a functioning moral compass, which makes assignment of guilt more palatable? Is it insanity - failure of the senses, and if so, is empathy acceptable?
Or, is it a corollary to the possibility that man's most successful domestication experiment has been on himself - through the institution of civilisation - and in every species, some specimen will remain wild?
A man wields the axe that chops off the limbs of innocent men, women and children in Sierra Leone. Does he 1) not know he is not supposed to do it? 2) want to do it? 3) not know he is doing it? Or 4) not subscribe to the tag of civilized man?
Well, some thoughts were provoked. What drives men to do the real gory stuff? Like the Dachaus and the serial killings and the mass murders of real life. Is it failure of the in-built moral compass, unique to man? Is it conscious choice to override a functioning moral compass, which makes assignment of guilt more palatable? Is it insanity - failure of the senses, and if so, is empathy acceptable?
Or, is it a corollary to the possibility that man's most successful domestication experiment has been on himself - through the institution of civilisation - and in every species, some specimen will remain wild?
A man wields the axe that chops off the limbs of innocent men, women and children in Sierra Leone. Does he 1) not know he is not supposed to do it? 2) want to do it? 3) not know he is doing it? Or 4) not subscribe to the tag of civilized man?
Thursday 6 May 2010
Loneliness
Of a different kind is,
...when you realise that your choices in life have taken you down a certain path, that you do not fit into a standard template anymore. Or, at least, you do not wish to.
...when it hits you that the answers to your questions on what to do with life are unique to yourself, and hence more difficult to find. Easier, some would say.
...when you are afraid you will feel lost on a road someone else has taken, yet you feel no better simply standing where you are.
...when the people closest to you can only remind you that only you can look within. And, act without.
What is next? And, where are the role models?
A ball a bouncing.
A top a spinning.
One has to stop,
The other can’t.
...when you realise that your choices in life have taken you down a certain path, that you do not fit into a standard template anymore. Or, at least, you do not wish to.
...when it hits you that the answers to your questions on what to do with life are unique to yourself, and hence more difficult to find. Easier, some would say.
...when you are afraid you will feel lost on a road someone else has taken, yet you feel no better simply standing where you are.
...when the people closest to you can only remind you that only you can look within. And, act without.
What is next? And, where are the role models?
A ball a bouncing.
A top a spinning.
One has to stop,
The other can’t.
Thursday 29 April 2010
Sanctuary
She has finally packed her bags.
I just realised that we don’t know if we will ever be there again.
Our little paradise in the middle of nowhere. 110 km from Metro Manila. So many trips, up and down, on a road that brought us close to death, but closer to each other.
Seven years ago, I would never have imagined that this little refinery town would have so much to do with my life. Now, our lives. Well, it even features prominently in our wedding photo-shoot.
My two years there, the best two years of my life, that yielded some of my closest friends, wildest experiences, most important self-realisations,… And, my wife.
On the way in, a carefree graduate, fresh out of school, on an everything-paid graduation trip. On the way out, a worried boyfriend, fresh into a relationship, staring at Mount Impossible.
I promised to keep coming back. I kept.
A special place.
I just realised that we don’t know if we will ever be there again.
Our little paradise in the middle of nowhere. 110 km from Metro Manila. So many trips, up and down, on a road that brought us close to death, but closer to each other.
Seven years ago, I would never have imagined that this little refinery town would have so much to do with my life. Now, our lives. Well, it even features prominently in our wedding photo-shoot.
My two years there, the best two years of my life, that yielded some of my closest friends, wildest experiences, most important self-realisations,… And, my wife.
On the way in, a carefree graduate, fresh out of school, on an everything-paid graduation trip. On the way out, a worried boyfriend, fresh into a relationship, staring at Mount Impossible.
I promised to keep coming back. I kept.
A special place.
Bait
An opportunity. To be a leader of men. In a rather small way.
As the rule book says: from self-mastery on to delivery through others.
The pay will not be great. The feeling is.
To be a deputy. To one who oversees a hundred tanks, a dozen wharves, a fair share of the ships that sail the Straits, and more than a hundred men.
Should I?
As the rule book says: from self-mastery on to delivery through others.
The pay will not be great. The feeling is.
To be a deputy. To one who oversees a hundred tanks, a dozen wharves, a fair share of the ships that sail the Straits, and more than a hundred men.
Should I?
Wednesday 28 April 2010
Tick-tock
What do I want with life - perpetual motion or stillness in time?
It is a bit disconcerting – the idea of not heading someplace. And, of not knowing where I am.
It is a bit disconcerting – the idea of not heading someplace. And, of not knowing where I am.
Tuesday 27 April 2010
Silos
I work for a fairly large Anglo-Dutch multi-national. In our office building, our co-tenant is another fairly large Anglo-Dutch multi-national. Multi-nationals work in mysterious, yet rather similar ways. Or, so I found out at the supermarket queue.
Behold the concept of a transfer price! As integrated multi-nationals have different modules of their supply chains residing in different countries or tax jurisdictions, they use a concept of transfer pricing. This ensures that different legal entities that belong to the same global corporation treat each other at arm’s length, charge each other competitive market prices, and do not exploit any favorable tax regimes along the supply chain. However, incentive-driven individuals within the same corporation (at least, within mine) spend hours, days and weeks haggling over what price to charge each other, so as to lock in attractive bottom-lines for their own business units, and harvest correspondingly handy performance bonuses.
Right now, I am stuck in the middle of one such intra-company deadlock, where we seem to have completely forgotten that our main customer for the deal is an external one. Curiously, it would seem that I am not the only one with this headache today. The lady ahead of me, in the queue downstairs, was poring over a densely populated printout titled “Transfer Pricing Schedule”, while paying for her milk and bananas. And, the logo in the corner of aforementioned document belonged to aforementioned fellow Anglo-Dutch multi-national.
Alas, I did not get to see how much they were charging each other for my Dove soap bar.
Behold the concept of a transfer price! As integrated multi-nationals have different modules of their supply chains residing in different countries or tax jurisdictions, they use a concept of transfer pricing. This ensures that different legal entities that belong to the same global corporation treat each other at arm’s length, charge each other competitive market prices, and do not exploit any favorable tax regimes along the supply chain. However, incentive-driven individuals within the same corporation (at least, within mine) spend hours, days and weeks haggling over what price to charge each other, so as to lock in attractive bottom-lines for their own business units, and harvest correspondingly handy performance bonuses.
Right now, I am stuck in the middle of one such intra-company deadlock, where we seem to have completely forgotten that our main customer for the deal is an external one. Curiously, it would seem that I am not the only one with this headache today. The lady ahead of me, in the queue downstairs, was poring over a densely populated printout titled “Transfer Pricing Schedule”, while paying for her milk and bananas. And, the logo in the corner of aforementioned document belonged to aforementioned fellow Anglo-Dutch multi-national.
Alas, I did not get to see how much they were charging each other for my Dove soap bar.
Saturation
I am fat. Especially around the waist.
I can't deny this anymore. And, I should not.
67 kilos, here I come.
I can't deny this anymore. And, I should not.
67 kilos, here I come.
Monday 26 April 2010
Genius
The guy who came up with the idea of the housefly markings in the Laufen urinals, for target practice.
Wednesday 21 April 2010
Self-fulfilment
In an earlier post, I wondered how conscious man is the instrument of the cosmos' self-awareness. Each one of us, then - by extension.
So, I contemplate the power of wishful thinking, of self-fulfilling prophecies, and by an obtuse extension, prayer.
The mind says wiggle, and wiggle does the toe. I wish, and the cosmos rearranges itself, and becomes.
My wish. The cosmos' wiggle.
So, I contemplate the power of wishful thinking, of self-fulfilling prophecies, and by an obtuse extension, prayer.
The mind says wiggle, and wiggle does the toe. I wish, and the cosmos rearranges itself, and becomes.
My wish. The cosmos' wiggle.
Chequemate
I like to sign cheques. Even if it is for hardly a dollar or just the odd cent.
I can imagine why checking accounts are still popular in this age of ether-money. Signing your name on the dotted line... a sure sign of your creditworthiness... that someone else is ready to take your word...
For many of us, the easiest oath that we will ever take.
I can imagine why checking accounts are still popular in this age of ether-money. Signing your name on the dotted line... a sure sign of your creditworthiness... that someone else is ready to take your word...
For many of us, the easiest oath that we will ever take.
Monday 19 April 2010
Sunday 18 April 2010
Friday 16 April 2010
Vent-ows
So, in what could be considered one of the great rip-offs, Microsoft has managed to convince Shell to install Windows Vista on over 100,000 computers worldwide. And that too, after Shell users have been waiting with bated breath for almost ten years – to be delivered from the distant past that is Windows 2000. Delivered, we have been – from the past into a black hole. I mean, even Microsoft has abandoned Vista for 7. But, not to worry, this relic will be preserved within Shell for at least another decade.
Colleagues who have recently taken up the yoke (some say the crucifix) that is Windows Vista, encourage me when they say that the instability lasts (only) a month, after which your machine stabilizes or you become numb (or dumb). I blog for posterity. So, here goes from today’s Windows Vista special edition:
1. All my quick launch buttons have disappeared. Naturally, the disappearance of the Show Desktop button has been an unmitigated disaster, given what follows.
2. MS Outlook closes unexpectedly, restoring my profile to a distant point in the past, and resetting all my personal preferences. The icing really is the timely message which alerts me to the incoming missile, and says, without any serious commitment, “Windows can try to restart MS Outlook”. Nice try.
3. Internet Explorer crashes unexpectedly and is unable to download anything. During one of the failed downloads, an unrelated folder on my Desktop vanished. Nothing is safe.
4. Windows 2000 was not without its faults. However, as I liked to say, Mac for the home, Windows for the office – where an ever-ready IT helpdesk slays all the dragons for you. Today, our helpdesk guy laid down arms. After a patient battle that lasted 2.5 hours. Now, they don’t want to talk to me anymore. The last straw.
Note to self: Development need: Learn how to become billionaire selling trash.
Interestingly, other than the fact that I lost a few hours today, none of the above should really stop me from chugging along now. Except for the sticky terror that some unidentified demon lurks, ready to vaporize a day’s work. For a moment’s whim. Without a moment’s notice.
PS: I watched a lot of TED on my iPhone while on hold with the helpdesk guy.
Happy Friday.
Colleagues who have recently taken up the yoke (some say the crucifix) that is Windows Vista, encourage me when they say that the instability lasts (only) a month, after which your machine stabilizes or you become numb (or dumb). I blog for posterity. So, here goes from today’s Windows Vista special edition:
1. All my quick launch buttons have disappeared. Naturally, the disappearance of the Show Desktop button has been an unmitigated disaster, given what follows.
2. MS Outlook closes unexpectedly, restoring my profile to a distant point in the past, and resetting all my personal preferences. The icing really is the timely message which alerts me to the incoming missile, and says, without any serious commitment, “Windows can try to restart MS Outlook”. Nice try.
3. Internet Explorer crashes unexpectedly and is unable to download anything. During one of the failed downloads, an unrelated folder on my Desktop vanished. Nothing is safe.
4. Windows 2000 was not without its faults. However, as I liked to say, Mac for the home, Windows for the office – where an ever-ready IT helpdesk slays all the dragons for you. Today, our helpdesk guy laid down arms. After a patient battle that lasted 2.5 hours. Now, they don’t want to talk to me anymore. The last straw.
Note to self: Development need: Learn how to become billionaire selling trash.
Interestingly, other than the fact that I lost a few hours today, none of the above should really stop me from chugging along now. Except for the sticky terror that some unidentified demon lurks, ready to vaporize a day’s work. For a moment’s whim. Without a moment’s notice.
PS: I watched a lot of TED on my iPhone while on hold with the helpdesk guy.
Happy Friday.
Rain
Life is good. I am happy.
The pitter-patter of a gentle drizzle on my umbrella never fails to remind me of that.
The pitter-patter of a gentle drizzle on my umbrella never fails to remind me of that.
Tuesday 13 April 2010
Routine
Things are moving along nicely, in our relentless pursuit of routine. Which is not a good thing in itself.
We've signed up to our first home (leased, nevertheless). Joint bank accounts. Phone lines. Adjacent numbers, even. Lounging about with mutual friends. Date nights (we actually watched Date Night). Breakfast in the favourite places. A Sunday afternoon spent swimming and reading. Very long conversations, face-to-face. Our first piano. Tussles over whether the handkerchiefs need folding or pressing.
And, I never knew she loved walking as much as I did. Well, there was always the car.
I am liking the looks of this thing they call married life.
We've signed up to our first home (leased, nevertheless). Joint bank accounts. Phone lines. Adjacent numbers, even. Lounging about with mutual friends. Date nights (we actually watched Date Night). Breakfast in the favourite places. A Sunday afternoon spent swimming and reading. Very long conversations, face-to-face. Our first piano. Tussles over whether the handkerchiefs need folding or pressing.
And, I never knew she loved walking as much as I did. Well, there was always the car.
I am liking the looks of this thing they call married life.
Monday 5 April 2010
Waiting
Tonight is the night. It has been a long wait. Almost five years.
I can finally feel the butterflies in the stomach. I have been feeling them for about ten minutes now.
And, the palpable relief. As of a marathon runner who does not have to put one step in front of another, any more.
And, the excitement. For us, and our life as man and wife. And, for her. New place. New work. New life.
A new phase. A positive change. A fresh beginning. A little bit at a time.
I can finally feel the butterflies in the stomach. I have been feeling them for about ten minutes now.
And, the palpable relief. As of a marathon runner who does not have to put one step in front of another, any more.
And, the excitement. For us, and our life as man and wife. And, for her. New place. New work. New life.
A new phase. A positive change. A fresh beginning. A little bit at a time.
Sunday 4 April 2010
Conscious Man
Said the cosmologist Paul Davies,
"Through science, we human beings are able to grasp at least some of nature's secrets. We have cracked part of the cosmic code. Why this should be, just why Homo sapiens should carry the spark of rationality that provides the key to the universe, is a deep enigma. We, who are children of the universe - animated stardust - can nevertheless reflect on the nature of that same universe, even to the extent of glimpsing the rules on which it runs. How we have become linked into this cosmic dimension is a mystery. Yet the linkage cannot be denied.
What does it mean? What is Man that we might be party to such privilege? I cannot believe that our existence in this universe is a mere quirk of fate, an accident of history, an incidental blip in the great cosmic drama. Our involvement is too intimate. The physical species Homo may count for nothing, but the existence of mind in some organism on some planet in the universe is surely a fact of fundamental significance. Through conscious beings the universe has generated self-awareness. This can be no trivial detail, no minor by-product of mindless, purposeless forces. We are truly meant to be here."
Not merely Homo sapiens. Homo conscius, in fact.
"Through science, we human beings are able to grasp at least some of nature's secrets. We have cracked part of the cosmic code. Why this should be, just why Homo sapiens should carry the spark of rationality that provides the key to the universe, is a deep enigma. We, who are children of the universe - animated stardust - can nevertheless reflect on the nature of that same universe, even to the extent of glimpsing the rules on which it runs. How we have become linked into this cosmic dimension is a mystery. Yet the linkage cannot be denied.
What does it mean? What is Man that we might be party to such privilege? I cannot believe that our existence in this universe is a mere quirk of fate, an accident of history, an incidental blip in the great cosmic drama. Our involvement is too intimate. The physical species Homo may count for nothing, but the existence of mind in some organism on some planet in the universe is surely a fact of fundamental significance. Through conscious beings the universe has generated self-awareness. This can be no trivial detail, no minor by-product of mindless, purposeless forces. We are truly meant to be here."
Not merely Homo sapiens. Homo conscius, in fact.
Thursday 1 April 2010
Proverb
As I flip to April on my desk calendar, it says:
Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. - Japanese proverb.
Nice one that, just for me, on All Fools Day!
Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. - Japanese proverb.
Nice one that, just for me, on All Fools Day!
Engineering
So, we ran into an operational issue during a negotiation with a counterparty. Potential deal-breaker, maybe. And, I heard myself saying, "Don't worry, I am sure there is a technical solution to every operational problem. We just need to find out what that is."
And then, I caught myself thinking, "The engineer dies hard".
And then, I caught myself thinking, "The engineer dies hard".
Wednesday 31 March 2010
Variables
My mind wanders back to high school classes on Further Mathematics and university lectures on Engineering Mathematics. Equations with multiple variables, and how to solve them. How, even the fastest computers struggle with complex differential equations. How, it was all just so fuzzy to me.
I never could figure out how to solve those puzzles. But, I have a sense of how they are so real. Schemes within schemes. Uncertainties within uncertainties. Just when the asphalt dries up, it's time to dig up and lay a new water line.
The whole spectrum. Our lives' mission. Our dreams. Her career. My next job. Work and life. Where to live? Buy or rent? Drive or ride? Spend or save? Cable package. Mobile phone deal. 12.0 or 8.0 Mbps.
Do I love change? Or uncertainty? Do I want things to be the same and safe? Or, do I want them to change a little bit all the time, just to keep it novel? Or, do I want something completely different, as a gust of fresh air? Do I know what I want?
For now, I am just looking forward to being with the only constant in this scheme. I am excited. Forward ho! Married life.
A grand package of complex differential equations, waiting to be solved, one variable at a time.
I never could figure out how to solve those puzzles. But, I have a sense of how they are so real. Schemes within schemes. Uncertainties within uncertainties. Just when the asphalt dries up, it's time to dig up and lay a new water line.
The whole spectrum. Our lives' mission. Our dreams. Her career. My next job. Work and life. Where to live? Buy or rent? Drive or ride? Spend or save? Cable package. Mobile phone deal. 12.0 or 8.0 Mbps.
Do I love change? Or uncertainty? Do I want things to be the same and safe? Or, do I want them to change a little bit all the time, just to keep it novel? Or, do I want something completely different, as a gust of fresh air? Do I know what I want?
For now, I am just looking forward to being with the only constant in this scheme. I am excited. Forward ho! Married life.
A grand package of complex differential equations, waiting to be solved, one variable at a time.
Thursday 25 March 2010
Tuesday 23 March 2010
Tuesday 16 March 2010
Contradiction
This is strange.
I have a lot of work to do. I might be working harder than I ever have. This is some of the most meaningful work that I have ever done. I work longer hours than usual. I am routinely exhausted. I am having to fight ever harder to get out of bed in the mornings.
Is it just exhaustion? Or indifference?
More and more often, I catch myself wondering if this is what I want to do with my life? Sitting in front of a computer screen, 10 hours a day, with corporate-pretend painted across my face (and mind you, I am getting pretty good at that, ask my colleagues), constantly reminding myself that I am not brilliant, while I long for those moments of brilliance which are now fewer and farther between...
So, then, I have these ideas of what I think I would love to do with my life. Then I see the yawning Plan Do gap. Then I return to the computer screen. It offers me the sanctuary of a Plan Do gap that takes just a little hop. A little hop every day. That takes me nowhere. But, it is just so easy.
May be I really do not love those things. Whoever said love was not hard work. Or, that I was not lazy.
I have a lot of work to do. I might be working harder than I ever have. This is some of the most meaningful work that I have ever done. I work longer hours than usual. I am routinely exhausted. I am having to fight ever harder to get out of bed in the mornings.
Is it just exhaustion? Or indifference?
More and more often, I catch myself wondering if this is what I want to do with my life? Sitting in front of a computer screen, 10 hours a day, with corporate-pretend painted across my face (and mind you, I am getting pretty good at that, ask my colleagues), constantly reminding myself that I am not brilliant, while I long for those moments of brilliance which are now fewer and farther between...
So, then, I have these ideas of what I think I would love to do with my life. Then I see the yawning Plan Do gap. Then I return to the computer screen. It offers me the sanctuary of a Plan Do gap that takes just a little hop. A little hop every day. That takes me nowhere. But, it is just so easy.
May be I really do not love those things. Whoever said love was not hard work. Or, that I was not lazy.
Connect
I am so tempted to get an iPhone.
People who I would place last on a list of likely iPhone owners have already bought theirs. It's a treat, they all say.
Even the boss thinks it's time I get a personal line (with an iPhone), so I can save myself the gruntwork of splitting the personal and work calls when the bill arrives. I suppose she thinks the work portion somehow seems to be getting bigger. (Hint, hint: Our team's headcount has gone down from 4.5 to 2). I also suspect she just wants to try mine out before she gets herself one (as happened with the MacBook).
As always, the more tempted I am to get something, the longer I resist before I finally succumb. Perhaps, sometime in May with the new cable, internet et al. I wish.
People who I would place last on a list of likely iPhone owners have already bought theirs. It's a treat, they all say.
Even the boss thinks it's time I get a personal line (with an iPhone), so I can save myself the gruntwork of splitting the personal and work calls when the bill arrives. I suppose she thinks the work portion somehow seems to be getting bigger. (Hint, hint: Our team's headcount has gone down from 4.5 to 2). I also suspect she just wants to try mine out before she gets herself one (as happened with the MacBook).
As always, the more tempted I am to get something, the longer I resist before I finally succumb. Perhaps, sometime in May with the new cable, internet et al. I wish.
Thursday 25 February 2010
Revival
Time flies. February is nearly gone. 2010, the fastest year on record.
Eight weeks.
Two perfect weddings in two corners of the continent. Official photographs yet to be released.
A perfect honeymoon. Island paradise. The Maldives. Let's figure out how to prevent that miracle from being wiped off the face of the planet. Amazing diving. Certifications for both of us. Repeat. Paradise.
A good bonus in a bad year. Truckloads of work. Difficult. Interesting. Challenging.
Time with the wife. Splendid potage parmentier. Sachin Tendulkar's 200*. Good books. Great movies. A run here and a run there.
Some signs of hope, on the relocation front. Fingers crossed. I hope things work out. For her, and for us.
Sudden end to Hillview Green saga. I can't believe we've stayed there for 33 months, in all combinations. That makes it 55 months since my return to Singapore. Well, I am in the Philippines right now, so that is just a technical return.
Could be homeless in 18 days. Unlikely, right?
A future full of hope. And uncertainty. I am really bad with uncertainty. It takes over my nerves, flows through my blood, and leaves me with no escape from myself. I need to master dealing with uncertainty.
So I can leave a bit of myself for the real things in life. For the book, the photographs, the languages, the outdoors. And, for her.
Eight weeks.
Two perfect weddings in two corners of the continent. Official photographs yet to be released.
A perfect honeymoon. Island paradise. The Maldives. Let's figure out how to prevent that miracle from being wiped off the face of the planet. Amazing diving. Certifications for both of us. Repeat. Paradise.
A good bonus in a bad year. Truckloads of work. Difficult. Interesting. Challenging.
Time with the wife. Splendid potage parmentier. Sachin Tendulkar's 200*. Good books. Great movies. A run here and a run there.
Some signs of hope, on the relocation front. Fingers crossed. I hope things work out. For her, and for us.
Sudden end to Hillview Green saga. I can't believe we've stayed there for 33 months, in all combinations. That makes it 55 months since my return to Singapore. Well, I am in the Philippines right now, so that is just a technical return.
Could be homeless in 18 days. Unlikely, right?
A future full of hope. And uncertainty. I am really bad with uncertainty. It takes over my nerves, flows through my blood, and leaves me with no escape from myself. I need to master dealing with uncertainty.
So I can leave a bit of myself for the real things in life. For the book, the photographs, the languages, the outdoors. And, for her.
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