Frustration

My Macbook Pro has only two USB ports. And, I've only realised that after close to 4 years of being its proud owner.

Anonymity

Here I am, sharing a table in an underground void deck with three twenty-somethings pretending to pore over their notes, my Macbook plugged into a pillar (and to the ether, of course), as exam season possibly descends upon my alma mater - the subterranean maze that is SMU. (My wife will spend the next few hours with her friends in a shopping mall/cineplex at ground level).

Nobody here knows who I am, or why I now feel entitled to steal access to a bit of real estate (and electricity). I try to move the bench closer to the table, before realizing it is firmly cemented in place. The twenty-somethings have no idea who they are giggling at.

In a time of (overdramatised) internal strife, this anonymity is priceless. The greatest dividend that I get from my association with this institution might yet be taking shape.

Ideas

I want to make a positive contribution to society, specifically in the area of human needs. Sustainable access to energy is a most basic human need and an unsolved problem, that is only likely to become greater and more urgent. My work in the energy industry over the last seven years has made me aware of the magnitude and complexity of the energy challenge, and it is breathtaking.

"A company can make a social contribution only if it is highly profitable. Managers must convert society's needs into opportunities for profitable business." - Peter Drucker. Hence, presumably, a business is a viable way of making a social contribution. I am capitalist and believe in the potential of free enterprise.

The idea of realising a vision excites me. A to B. With limited resources and conflicting priorities. With a human element.

I want my contribution to be material and significant.

I want it to happen in my lifetime.

Statement

of desire, of intent...

'I want to run a medium to large sustainable energy business within the next 15 years.'

There. I have said it. I have said some thing. It is a liberating feeling.

Welcome to the difficult part.

Atlas

How he must have felt, with the burden of the heavens on his shoulders?

Unhappiness

'The sole cause of man's unhappiness is that he does not know how to stay quietly in his room.' - Pascal.

Thanks, de Botton, for pointing that out!

Perfection

Friday evening - a dozen roses for the wife, shopping to her heart's content at the Pinoy store, soup for dinner with wife and a friend we unexpectedly ran into, groceries, a late night jog...

Saturday - Pancakes for breakfast, finishing up the Economist, De Botton #1, afternoon swim, siesta #1, home-cooked pasta for dinner...

Sunday - Morning jog-walk, friends over for brunch, gossip, photography and travel plans, siesta #2, De Botton #2, bhel puri, pani puri, papri chaat takeout,...

...and some time here.

Se7en

...years today, working for Royal Dutch Shell. Well, we were not even called that, when I started. How many more, one wonders?

Watershed

I turned twenty-nine this weekend (kicking and screaming, and really sick). In some ways, this could well turn out to be a watershed year - first year as man and wife, career headwinds, the last stretch before the dreaded thirties, and the last chance to do some things, before I give them up forever. I guess I have made a habit of listing down New Year and birthday resolutions for some time now. Really, the disappointment has been that some, maybe even many, of them never made the leap from plan to action.

Well, we will still go ahead and write those things down. Perhaps, this time will be different. Here goes, anyway:

1. Be a better husband. Perhaps even a better son, brother, friend, etc.
2. Run that marathon in December.
3. Improve my work ethic. Be productive.
4. Make sure there is a Plan by December.
5. Don’t let the kitty run out.
6. Complete the Spanish language diploma.
7. Shoot, write and go under.
8. Climb Mount Kinabalu.
9. See the world.
10. Learn to rest more in the present, and run less into the future (Ahem, contrary to this whole exercise, no?).

We will also continue to look for the elusive answer to that question – what do I really want with life? Recent events and conversations have persuaded me that I desperately and urgently need to look within, and, dare to want, to dream. Twice in three years, at job interviews, it has been pointed out to me that I sat there in front of them, utterly unconvinced that I wanted the job. Unconvinced - not just unconvincing. Is that not truly dangerous?

Exciting times ahead - I have asked a friend to perform an experiment with me. I have asked him to write down on a piece of paper where he thinks I will be in a year’s time, and tell me when that bell tolls.

Then, we will know.

Meanwhile, another sobering moment. The stubble is graying. I hope that comes with some wisdom. And, grace.

Belief

I need to back myself to the hilt. Now, more than ever. And, I must dare to dream, and to want.

Curves

Immensely relieved that Tokyo Bust Express has finally gone for a new pair of boobs for their newspaper ads. Am not saying that I don't find those ads creepy anymore.

The sixth C eh, after cash, credit card, condo, car and country club, for the fairer sex.

Crisis

It is astonishing how quickly milk can sour. All good things come to an end. Great things, too. This love story has gone on for seven years. One coin-toss that lands on the wrong end and I find myself outside the fence. I suppose the best thing about landing outside the fence is that, it is all out there. The rest of it, I mean.

I have counted my blessings, thanked my lucky stars and picked up the pieces. There are real blessings to count. One, more so than most. I have decided to trundle on.

The end draws nigh, as yet, unknown. I am aware now, a bit too late, of the absence of a Plan B. I hope I see one already taking shape. Interesting times ahead. Six months. Perhaps, a year. I will be 30.

Then, I wonder, what is it that I feel? Fear about uncertainty? Or, excitement about possibility? It feels good to be asking of myself, questions that were taboo until that coin was leaving the hand.

This might consume every bit of me. Will I arrive? It is time to charge the batteries.